Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day
Discipline

A frustrated father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player." "So what do you do?" asked his friend. "I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father.

"We are all free"

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said... "...I'm not free. I'm four."

Playing Outside

The little girl asked her mother if she could go outside and play with the boys. "No," her mother replied, "the boys are much too rough for you to play with." "Well," the little girl asked, "if I find a smooth one can I play with him?"

Problem on the Freeway

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Nail Biting

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said. "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit really quickly." "What did you do?" "I hid his teeth!"

How long do I have to live?

A man walks into the doctor's office. - "I have the results of your test and I'm afraid you're going to die" says the doctor. - The man asks "How long do I have to live?" - "Ten", replies the doctor. - "What the heck does that mean", the man asks. "Ten years, ten months, ten weeks. What?" - The doctor replies "Nine."

George Washington

- Knock, knock! - Who's there? - George Washington! - George Washington who? - George Washington who?!! Didn't you learn anything in history class?!!

Justin

- Knock, knock! - Who's there? - Justin - Justin who? - Justin the neighborhood and thought I'd say hello

Police

- Knock, knock! - Who's there? - Police. - Police who? - Police let us in, it's cold out here!

Substitute Teacher

A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, please stand up." Right away, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "I don't, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Stop at Green?

- When do you stop at GREEN and go at RED? - When you're eating a watermelon!

Doris

- Knock, knock! - Who's there? - Doris. - Doris who? - Doris locked, that's why I had to knock!

Cheese That Isn't Yours

- What do you call cheese that isn't yours? - Nacho Cheese!

Lettuce

- Knock, knock! - Who?s there? - Lettuce. - Lettuce who? - Lettuce in and you'll find out!

Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Remarks At Your Funeral

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, he's moving!"