Joke of the Day

Bien sûreuh

Grrr c'est bien ce que je dis, t'es vrailent Kro vilaine

Je viens de te dire Biensûreuh

Auction

A man at an auction sale started bidding for a parrot. The bidding went higher and higher, but finally the man bought the bird. Then he realised that he didn't even know if it could talk, so he asked the auctioneer. "Of course it can talk," he replied. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Elephants and kangaroos

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Earthquakes in Australia.

Pet Name

'I call my pet Tiny,' said Peter. 'Why do you call him Tiny?' asked one of his friends. 'Because he's my newt.'

Labrador and Tortoise

What do you get if you cross a Labrador dog with a tortoise? You get an animal that goes to the newsagent's and comes back with last week's newspaper.

Saying Goodbye to Pets

Sarah: Why were you late for your plane? Jan: I had to say goodbye to my pets. Sarah: But you were 2 hours late! Jan: I have an ant farm!

Washing

Mom: What are you doing? Bob: Washing myself, of course. Mom: Without soap and water? Bob: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning?

Motorcycle Accident

One day, two men named Bill and Steve were taking a ride on their motorcycles. All of a sudden, Bill lost control and hit a telephone pole, tearing off the left half of his body. He was immediately rushed to the hospital while Steve waited anxiously to hear if he would make it through. After a long wait, the doctor came out and said to Steve, "He's all right now."

A Lawyer Named Strange

A lawyer named Strange died, and his family asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested this alternative: "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

State Capitals

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb-blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement: "I've had it with all these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do ? I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N", she answered.

Shrinking Patient

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, " Doctor, doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Steaks

A man walks into a butcher shop and orders a pound of sausages. The butcher prepares the order then says, "I bet you the price of those sausages that you can't get those pieces of meat down off the shelf behind me." The man regards the shelf carefully, then says: "I'm not betting. The steaks are too high."

A Rope in a Bar

A rope walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender walks over, and tells it, "Sorry. We don't serve ropes in here." The rope walks outside, and asks a passerby "Will you do me a favor, please? Tie me up, and unravel me a little bit. Then scrape me along the sidewalk." The passerby complies, and the rope is definitely looking worse for the wear. The rope walks back in to the bar and sits down. The bartender walks over and asks, "Aren't you the rope that was in here a few minutes ago?" "Nope; I'm a frayed knot."

Manure

A farmer hitched up his team of horses to a big wagon and went out to collect a load of horse manure. On his way to the field where he was going to strew the manure, he had to go by an insane asylum. One of the inmates was standing near the fence and he called to the farmer, "Hey, what are you going to do with all that manure?" The farmer replied that he was going to put it on his strawberries. The inmate was aghast and said to the farmer, "You must be crazy. We put cream and sugar on ours!"

Stage

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"

Pull Over

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

Nail Biting

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said. "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit really quickly." "What did you do?" "I hid his teeth!"

Problem on the Freeway

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Playing Outside

The little girl asked her mother if she could go outside and play with the boys. "No," her mother replied, "the boys are much too rough for you to play with." "Well," the little girl asked, "if I find a smooth one can I play with him?"

"We are all free"

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said... "...I'm not free. I'm four."

Discipline

A frustrated father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player." "So what do you do?" asked his friend. "I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father.

How long do I have to live?

A man walks into the doctor's office. - "I have the results of your test and I'm afraid you're going to die" says the doctor. - The man asks "How long do I have to live?" - "Ten", replies the doctor. - "What the heck does that mean", the man asks. "Ten years, ten months, ten weeks. What?" - The doctor replies "Nine."

George Washington

- Knock, knock! - Who's there? - George Washington! - George Washington who? - George Washington who?!! Didn't you learn anything in history class?!!