Joke of the Day

Justin

- Knock, knock! - Who's there? - Justin - Justin who? - Justin the neighborhood and thought I'd say hello!

Ice Fishing

An old man walked out onto a frozen lake on a bitter cold winter day. He drilled a hole in the ice, sat on his bucket, put his fishing line in the water and eagerly waited for a fish to bite. He was there for almost five hours without even a nibble when a young boy walked out, drilled a hole in the ice and sat on his bucket not far from the old man. It only took about one minute and BAM! A huge walleye bit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it and figured it was just luck. Yet, the boy put his fish line in again and within just two minutes he pulled in another huge walleye! This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't stand it any more. He hadn't caught a fish all day. He went to the boy and said, "Boy, I've been here nearly all day without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught TEN huge fish! How do you do it?" The boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm." "What," asked the old man? Again the boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm.? Freezing and impatient the old man yelled "Look, I can't understand a word you are saying." So, the boy took off his gloves, spat a clump of stuff into his hands and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!!"

Substitute Teacher

A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, please stand up." Right away, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "I don't, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Tank who?

- Knock, knock! - Who's there? - Tank. - Tank who? - You're welcome!

Police

- Knock, knock! - Who's there? - Police. - Police who? - Police let us in, it's cold out here!

Stop at Green?

- When do you stop at GREEN and go at RED? - When you're eating a watermelon!

Doris

- Knock, knock! - Who's there? - Doris. - Doris who? - Doris locked, that's why I had to knock!

Cheese That Isn't Yours

- What do you call cheese that isn't yours? - Nacho Cheese!

Who who?

- Knock, knock! - Who's there? - Who. - Who who? - Is there an owl in here?

25 cents

A guy runs in a bar and he asks the bartender for 24 shots of his finest whisky. When the bartender has poured the shots the guy drinks them down as fast as possible. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never seen anyone drink that fast before" and the guy says "You would too if you had what I had". The bartender says "What is it you have?". And the guy says "25 cents" and runs out of the bar.

Lettuce

- Knock, knock! - Who?s there? - Lettuce. - Lettuce who? - Lettuce in and you'll find out!

Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Remarks At Your Funeral

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, he's moving!"

No Dogs Allowed

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man,? the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

Elephants and Grapes

What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it? None. It just lets out a little wine.

This dog is acting bad

While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.

A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"

To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"

Question and answer animal jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

Domestic camouflage: Your ticket out of weekend chores...

Irishman On The Sun

An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. "Gee, we've even put a man on the moon." "That's nothing," replied the Irishman, "we're going to put a man on the sun." "Don't be stupid," said the American," "he'll fry before he even gets there." The Irishman replied "Oh no, he won't. We're sending him at night."