Joke of the Day

Blackjack dealer

I had a horrible childhood. You know my father was a black jack dealer in Vegas, that's why he used to hit me till I was 17.

Frog frolics

What happens when you double park your frog?

It gets toad.

Christmas shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offence", said the judge.
"It is if you do it before the shop opened", countered the prisoner.

Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758..

6... Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.


You should have a three digit number


The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).


The next two numbers are


YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
Chocolate
Calculator.

Wolves and fleas

What's the difference between a wolf and a flea? One howls on the prairie, the other prowls on the hairy.

Change of faith

Three rabbis are having dinner together; one rabbi looks troubled. He stops eating and says, "Something has been bothering me deeply. I sent my son away to learn, and he came back a Christian."

The second rabbi looks suprised, and after a moment's pause, says, "You know that's funny, because my son also went away and came back a Christian!"

The third rabbi looks really dumbfounded and stammers out, "That's funny! Because I sent my son away too, and he came back a Christian!"

So they all decide they must pray for answers.

And God answers back,
"You know that's funny, because MY son..."

A guiding voice

One day at work, Bob hears a voice in his head.

It says: "Quit your job, sell your house, cash in all your assets, and go to Vegas."

Bob is shocked. Nothing strange ever happens to him, and this is strange.

An hour later, the same voice in his head repeats itself.

"Quit your job, sell your house, cash in all your assets, and go to Vegas."

Bob thinks to himself, "What the hell! I'll do it!"

So he runs up to his boss with a big smile on his face and quits. He then immediately contacts his neighbor who's always wanted his property, and sell his house for 100 grand. He then hops on a plane to Vegas.

Standing in Las vegas Airport, he thinks to himself: "Now what?"

No sooner than he had thought it, the voice answers back, "Go to Caesar's Palace."

Upon arriving at the casino, Bob gets a thrilling feeling that something big is about to happen.

The voice says, "Go to the roulette table."

Bob finds the big no-limit roulette table and begins to sweat excitedly.

The voice says, "Put all your money on black."

Bob complies, the pit boss nods, and the wheel goes round and round. Bob is finally going places.

The ball lands on red. The voice says, "Dammit."

Up and atom

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A round of applause

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they'd all fall to their doom.

After much intense debate, the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men applauded vigurously.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Bear in a bar

A bear walks into a bar and places his order. "I'll take a gin and.... tonic." So the bartender says, "What's with the pause?" And the bear says, "I was born with them."

Mushroom in a bar

A mushroom toddles into a bar. As he sits on one of the stools, he slams his fist down on the bar and yells, "Hey, bartender! Gimme a whiskey!"

The bartender slowly turns around, looks the mushroom up and down and says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind. You're too boring."

The mushroom protests, "That's not true! I'm a fungi!"

Monkey business

A guy's looking in the Help Wanted section of his paper and finds a vauge ad for a performer with acrobatic experience. Intriuged, he goes to the address listed in the ad and finds out it's a zoo. The zookeeper tells him that the main attraction, a gorilla, suddenly died and they need someone to replace him temporarily or they'll lose a lot of business. The guy thinks this is weird, but after considering how much he needs the money and that it'll only be for two weeks, he accepts.

By the time the two weeks are over, the zoo is so happy with his performance that they decide to offer him a permanent position and stop looking for another gorilla. This is largely because he's getting into it, and spends a lot of time swinging from tree to tree in his cage and otherwise amsuing the visitors.

One day he's swinging wildly and misses a tree branch. He goes right over the bars, lands in the lion's cage and starts screaming. The lion pounces on him, knocks him the ground and says, "Shut up, or you'll get us both fired."

Ice cream parlour

An old lady walks into an ice cream parlor, asks for a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate.

"We're all out of chocolate", the man behind the counter replies.

"Oh, ok", says the old lady, "In that case, I will have a quart of vanilla, a quart of strawberry and a quart of chocolate."

To which the man replies, "Lady, I already told you we're out of chocolate."

"Oh, oh yes. I'm sorry", the old lady apologizes, "I'll have a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry, and a gallon of chocolate."

The man is pretty frustrated by now and responds: "Lady, can you spell the word 'VAN' in vanilla?"

"Sure!", says the old lady, "V-A-N".

"How about 'STRAW' in strawberry?"

"Of course!", exasperates the old lady, "S-T-R-A-W".

"Now, can you spell the word 'FREAK' in chocolate?"

"There's no freak in chocolate!" exclaims the old lady.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

Phone call

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Muffins in the oven

There are two muffins in a pan, being put into the oven. The first muffin looks over to the second and proclaims "Wow! It sure is hot in here!"
The second muffin looks over at the first and exclaims "HOLY COW! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Hockey

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, "that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

Pennsylvania - ~Three Reported Missing After Animal Rights Activists Take "War on Leather" to Motorcycle Gang Rally.~
Johnstown, PA: Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.

"Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong."

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer. "Motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it... Ergo, they should stop."

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers" to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!"

"I... I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket. And, he... he didn't even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, 'You can't prove that.' Next thing I know is he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and not left me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman."

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads."

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.

"That's preposterous," said on high ranking member of the biker organizing committee. "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."

When confronted with the allegations of force feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined to comment in detail. "That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.

Grassy gag

What's green and has four wheels?

Grass; I lied about the wheels.

Monk and a hot dog

A monk in his robes walks up to a hot dog vendor,and says, "I'll have a hot dog with everything."
The vendor says, "that'll be $5.50".
The monk hands him a twenty, and receives his hot dog, but unfortunately, no change.
When he asks for it, the vendor smiles, and says "change comes from within."

Nuns and a vampire

Two nuns are driving down the street when a vampire lands on the hood of their car. One nun shouts, "SISTER MARY FRANCIS, SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS!" The other nun leans out the window and shouts, "HEY VAMPIRE! GET OFF MY DAMN CAR!"

Mighty bite

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then counts out the fries, divides them into two piles and places one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, then sets the cup down beside them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of his hamburger, the people around start whispering: "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the table. He offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man replies that they're just fine - they're just used to sharing everything. The other diners notice the old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She just sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking a sip of the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says: "No thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little lady and asks: "May I ask what you are waiting for?
The old women answers: "The teeth."

Quick drinker

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."

Mad cow disease

There were two cows out in a field, talking to each other. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad cow disease is really pretty scary. They say it's spreading fast - I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

Wedding anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, dear," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."