Joke of the Day

Court orders

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.

"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."

Little tortoise

Deep within a forest a little tortoise began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Blind snake

A old snake goes to see his doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days".
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

The doctor says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

********************

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
************************
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
**********************
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
*************************
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
*************************
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
***********************
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
****************************
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
*********************
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, ' For fast relief.'
*********************
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
*******************

Good and bad news

'I have good news and bad news,' a defence attorney told his client. 'First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.'
'Oh, no!' cried the client. 'What's the good news?'
'Your cholesterol is down to 150.'

Paddy and friends




Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!!




A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust,

'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'


Paddy handed his drink back and said: 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'







Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks: 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies: 'I don't know! It's your f***ing plane!!'




Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts:

'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts: 'Paddy you're mad, go home'

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I can't work in the friggin dark!' says Murphy.







Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says

'I wonder how the girls are getting on'




Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses and lies on the bed spread-eagled and says

'You know what I want don't you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'




Q: What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A: black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!




Paddy the electrician got sacked from the US prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trapp!




Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off.

He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks,

'What did you do?'

Paddy replies, 'I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'




Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

Who said Australians weren't romantic?

An Australian Love Poem


Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's something there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer

Frog experiment

A scientist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog jumped across the room.

The scientist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, "Frog with four legs - jumped eight feet."

Then he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog, jump!"

The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.

After measuring the distance, the scientist noted in his journal, "Frog with two legs - jumped three feet."

Next, the scientist cut off the frog's back legs. Once more, he shouted, "Jump, frog, jump!"

The frog just lay there.

"Jump, frog, jump!" the scientist repeated.

Nothing.

The scientist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs - lost its hearing."

Marriage made in heaven

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding? It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

Hearing voices

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I going crazy?"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."

"The peanuts?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yes," replies the waiter, "they're complimentary."

The Cheeky Salesman

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk:
How much does it cost?
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled,
"Grandpa will pay the bill."

Praying for Children

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins.

Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

Fax Machine Problems

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

Noisy Trumpet Player

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his.
"Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight."

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied,
"Not really, I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most nights anyway."

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules'
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday + GOOD WEATHER = Sports
It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No
are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago
is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments
become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat,
you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said
can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us
to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know
best how to do it,
just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Captain Cook
did NOT need directions
and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors,
like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit,
not A color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1.. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong
and you say 'nothing,'
We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question
you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us
what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics
as CARS OR BOOBS

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.
Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know
men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

Finding an Assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,

"This gun's loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Bats Searching For Blood

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says,
"Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die."

"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ ______ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
___________________________________ ______ ___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____ ________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Three Men At The Pearly Gates

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Secret to a Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity
had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in
Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more
my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and
shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at ME,
and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily ever after."

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.They are bringing together the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink, and it is assumed that the average male car thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is!

In the Wild, Wild West

One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in.
"A cup of milk please." he said to the bartender.
After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody,
"I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!"
The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,
"So what did you do in Texas?"
The Cowboy replied, "Well, I had to walk home!"

Don't Give Things Away For Nothing

A hobo (wanderer) comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him,
"Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door.

The owner asks, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.."

Stolen Car

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him.
"Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," said the clerk, "But don't worry. I got the license plate number!"

Library Opening Hours

"What time does the library open?" The voice on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question?" asked the librarian.

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M..!" the librarian said, "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" The man sighed sadly. "I want to get out!"