Joke of the Day

Favorite Drink

The National Governors Association met in Washington D.C. on Friday at the Shoreham Hotel. The most popular drink at the hotel bar is called "Lilac Crazy" because that's what politicians do whenever they get together at these meetings.

Drunkard at the ice-rink

There's this drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice.Ttaking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole. Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There are no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing. Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there are no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task. "Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble." "Who are you?" shouts the drunk guy, "Is that you, God?" "Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this ice-rink!"

The lying congregation

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

A lesson for bullies

A guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making bully sits down next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell you what, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I had left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

Kisses in the bathroom

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled mop, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Why do animals have fur coats?

Teacher : Why do animals have fur coats ? Pupil : Because they would look silly in plastic anoraks, Sir!

Death of a religious gent

Old Fred had been a religious man and was in hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher came to stand next to the bed, Old Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Old Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, the preacher realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he had been wearing when Old Fred died.

He said, "You know, Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

God works in mysterious ways

There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"
The flood got higher; a boat came and the driver said, "Come on mate, get in!"

"No" replied the man. "God will save me!"

The flood was now very high and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.

A helicopter soon came and the pilot offered him help.

"No, God will save me!" he said.

Eventually he died by drowning.

He got to the gates of heaven and he said to God, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "For goodness' sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want?"

Silence is golden

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

Cold turkey

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, finally the man said, "If you don't stop swearing, I'm going to put you in the freezer as a punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said, "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

Elephant on fence

If an elephant sat on a fence what time would it be? Time to get a new fence!

Appearances can be deceiving

"Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"
"It's a girl. She's my daughter."
"Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father."
"I'm not. I'm her mother."

Stuck in the habit

A guy runs into a bar and shouts, "Quick, how tall is a penguin?"
The bartender looks stunned.
"An empire penguin can be about this tall,? he says, gesturing.
"Oh no," says the guy, "I just ran over a nun!"

The truth hurts

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you, madam, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

Tiger and sheep

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep ? A stripey sweater !

Traduction

Qu'obtenez-vous si vous croisez un mouton avec un tigre ?

Un pull en laine rayé ...

Criminally bad joke

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

Crabby waiter

"Waiter, do you serve crabs?"
"Sit down, sir. We serve anybody."

Civil servants changing lightbulb

How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb? 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.