Joke of the Day

Animal Noises

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. - "Davy, what noise does a cow make?" - "It goes moo." - "Alice, what noise does a cat make?" - "It goes meow." - "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" - "It goes baaa." - "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" - "Errr.., it goes.. click!"

The Minister's Announcement

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

The Apple

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up ... "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

Art Mirrors Life

While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked. As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."

Artistic Worth

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."

Beauty without Vanity,Strength without insolence, Courage without Ferocity,and all the Virtues of Man without his Vices.........

Assistance

In the examination paper the Professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The Professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

A woman goes into a jewlers shop to look for a ring, she spots one she likes and bends over to take a closer look. She accidentaly lets a little fart slip out but hopes that nobody notices. She decides she wants it and asks the gentleman behind the desk for more information. He leans over and says to her "if you farted just looking at the thing youll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

Astronomy

My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy. One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"

Quand même

Athena

During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here you can see the beautiful statue of Athena...". "Excuse me, madam," a visitor interjects. "Who is that man behind her? Is he her husband?" "No, Athena wasn't married. She was the goddess of wisdom."

At The Movies

While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."

When Prince William met Sarah

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8255814.stm

Bachelors

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

Bank Name

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

is it to early to ask whoopi goldberg if she's heard from patrick swayze yet?

A Bar

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

Being Civilised

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being." There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that." "Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."

Being Polite

While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot. "NO! NO! NO!" she screamed. "Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior." At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"