Joke of the Day

Parrot

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Planting Trees

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. "Tell me," said the passer-by, "What on earth are you doing?" "Well," said the digger," Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn't mean Mick and I have to take the day off, does it?"

Smudged

- Postman: Is this letter for you? The name is smudged. - Man: No, it can't be for me, my name is Smith.

Helicopter Crisps

A man walked into a bar and asked for a pint of lager and a packet of helicopter crisps. 'Sorry', said the barman, 'we don't have any helicopter crisps, we only have plane.'

Soap and Water

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I think that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

Fish Cakes

A man went into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asked 'Do you sell fish cakes here?' 'No' was the reply. 'Shame, it's his birthday.'

Funeral Procession

A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin."

George and Dragon

A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door. A head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted, 'Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed,' and the window slammed shut. Undeterred, the hikers knocked again. 'What is it now?' demanded the head. 'Could we speak to George this time please?' asked one of the hikers.

Potatoes

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman are running down the street away from the police as they had just robbed a bank. They look for somewhere to hide and find some bags. The Englishman jumps into the bag named 'cats', the Scotsman jumps into a bag named 'dogs' and the Irishman jumps into the bag named 'potatoes'. The police find the bags and kick the one named 'cats, and the Englishman says 'meow'. The Scotsman gets kicked and says 'woof'. The Irishman gets kicked and says 'potatoes'!

Doctor, Doctor

- Doctor, doctor, I think I've gone a funny colour. - Nonsense, it's just a pigment of your imagination.

Pen

A boy called the doctor.. - "Doctor, doctor come quick, my younger brother has just swallowed my pen." - "I'll be right over - what are you doing in the meantime?" - "I'm using a pencil..."

Wrinkled elephants

A."Why are elephants so wrinkled?" B."Have you ever tried ironing one?"

Pack of Cards

- Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a pack of cards. - Sit down and I'll deal with you later.

Fortune Tellers

There are always fortune-tellers at the seaside. Two of them met on the front at Frinton one sunny summer day. 'Lovely weather,' said the first fortune-teller. 'Yes,' said the second. 'It reminds me of the summer of 2010.'

Wooden Leg

- Doctor, Doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain. - Why is that? - My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.

Aujourd'hui, après avoir économisé trois mois pour me faire poser des extensions à quatre cents euros, ma petite cousine m'a offert un cadeau : ses poux. VDM

Aujourd'hui, mon fils de cinq ans a pris une cuite. Le saligaud a inversé le rosé et le sirop de grenadine dilué. VDM

Aujourd'hui, assis sur des toilettes, j'ai été obligé d'appeler les renseignements pour demander un numéro de téléphone. Celui du restaurant dans lequel j'étais, pour qu'un serveur m'apporte du papier afin que je puisse regagner ma table. VDM

Aujourd'hui, je me rends compte que, depuis huit mois, mon ordinateur se connecte automatiquement au Wi-Fi du voisin. Cela fait huit mois que je paye un abonnement Internet pour rien. VDM