Joke of the Day

Aujourd'hui, j'ai compris pourquoi mon ex m'a dit que j'allais regretter de plaquer la fille d'un éleveur. J'ai un tas de fumier bien frais devant ma porte. VDM

Aujourd'hui, suite à mon licenciement d'une boutique de cadeaux, je travaille dans un magasin funéraire. Mon premier client passe en caisse et, machinalement, j'ai demandé : "C'est pour offrir ?" VDM

Aujourd'hui, quelqu'un a forcé la porte de mon appartement plongé dans l'obscurité. J'étais en train de faire ma petite affaire. Il est aussitôt reparti, mort de rire. VDM

Aujourd'hui, dans mon nouvel appartement, mon lit d'appoint est un matelas gonflable. Afin qu'il soit confortable, je le gonfle au maximum. J'aurais dû y penser avant de jeter mon iPhone 4 dessus : il a rebondi et sauté par la fenêtre. VDM

Rainy Vacation

I went on vacation last week. What a week it was. It only rained twice - once for three days, once for four.

Tablecloths

CUSTOMER: How often do you change the tablecloths in this establishment?
WAITER: I don't know, sir, I've only worked here six months.

Fillet?

- Waiter, Waiter! I'd like a glass of beer and a piece of fish.
- Fillet?
- Yes - right to the top.

"It must be the drink"

DOCTOR: Well, Mr Jones, I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drink.
MR JONES: Okay, Doctor, I'll come back in the morning when you're sober.

Aujourd'hui, sur mon site de rencontres préféré, où j'ai mentionné que j'aime l'honnêteté, j'ouvre un message envoyé par un homme : "T'es moche." VDM

Aujourd’hui, je suis dans le train. Le type en face de moi me demande de surveiller son gamin de quatre ans durant deux minutes. Voulant parler avec le petit, je lui demande comment s’appelle son ours en peluche. Il fond en larmes et hurle dans tout le wagon : "Touche pas mon Kiki !" VDM

"There's a fly in my wine!"

- 'Waiter! There's a fly in my wine!'
- 'Well, you did ask for something with a little body, sir.'

Right and Left Legs

- DOCTOR : The pain in your right leg is caused by old age.
- OLD MAN : But my left leg is the same age and that doesn't hurt.

Bank Robbery

After the bank was robbed for the third time by the same bandit, the FBI agent asked the bank teller, "Did you notice anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time."

Smoked Salmon

- Waiter, waiter, have you smoked salmon?
- No, sir, but I have smoked a pipe.

A Quiet Burglar

A man went to the police station and demanded to be allowed to speak to the man who had broken into his house the previous night.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"But you don't understand," said the man. "I want to know how he got into my house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years."

Birthday Present

- Dad: Son, what do you want for your 18th birthday?
- Son: Just a radio, dad... With a sports car around it.

Manager's Speech

The manager started his speech at 10 a.m. sharp and ended at 11 a.m. dull.

Vision Problem

My boss didn't come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."

Choking?

- Brian: (eating his lunch at school) Teacher, I've got a bone stuck in my throat.
- Teacher: Are you choking?
- Brian: No, I'm serious.

Scarf And Hat

- What did the scarf say to the hat?
- You go on ahead and I'll just hang around.

Nurse

After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, 'a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'
Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'

Speeding Ticket

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed towards the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even God is against me?"

je me bidonne ....

pour les non english "i'm a single lady" ca veut dire "je suis une jeune femme celibataire"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sb9eL3ejXmE