Joke of the Day

No shelter, Sherlock

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "and what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody has stolen our tent."

Fruity frolics

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my backside."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

Fish thinkers

Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Texas wisdom

Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "Okay - where are you from, jackass?"

Christine a écrit:

Par contre je ne sais si il est à forte poitrine
De toutes manières blonde c'est pas dans le standard du staffie

Biscuit capers

Two biscuits are crossing the road when one is suddenly run over.
"Crumbs!" exclaims the other.

Parrot on a perch

Two parrots are sat on a perch. One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"

Funny fathers

A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word. "I've got a few suggestions," he says. "Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. "Very good," says his senior. "Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'" The younger priest practises these sayings, too. "Well done," says the older priest. "Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: "No way! What happened next?"

Animal confusion

A man goes into a cafe with a duck. He puts the duck on a stool and sits next to it. The waiter comes over and says: "Hey! That's the ugliest pig that I have ever seen." The man says: "It's a duck, not a pig." And the waiter says: "I was talking to the duck."

Death by breakfast

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled under by a strong currant.

Traduction ... l'humour anglais

Mort par petit déjeuner

Avez-vous entendu parler de l'homme qui s'est noyé dans un bol de muesli ?
Il a été tiré au fond par une forte groseille.

Nicknames

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug.

More nicknames

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

Douglas.

Gym instructor

I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Death by ice cream

Did you hear about the ice-cream man? He was found dead in his ice-cream van, covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds-and-thousands. The police said that he topped himself.

Aerial love

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Dishy butler

Did you hear about the lippy one-armed butler? He could take it, but he couldn't dish it out.

Coupling

"What's a couple?" I asked my mum. She said, "Two or three". Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

Unlucky Cleetus

My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous, which is a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands.

Slinky granny

My Nan had a plastic hip put in, but I thought she should have replaced it with a Slinky, in case she fell down the stairs again...

Cinderella

Why did Cinderella get dropped from the football team? She ran away from the ball.

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ?





A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face...