Joke of the Day

Heretic on a bridge

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

A woman goes to the antiques roadshow, sits down, puts a used tampon on the table and says "there you go clever c*nt tell me what period that is from".

Vegetables

What did the relgious carrot say to the greens?

Lettuce pray.

Best yoke ever

Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table.

One of them spots a whisk and asks, "What's that?"

The other egg looks puzzled and replies, "Beats me."

Saucepan on head

"Doctor, doctor, my son has a saucepan stuck on his head. Whatever shall I do?" "Don't worry, you can borrow one of mine. I'm going out for dinner."

Budgie show

My uncle said, 'My cat got first prize in the budgie show.' I said, 'That's impossible. Cats don't get prizes in budgie shows.' My uncle said, 'No, a budgie got the prize and my cat ate the budgie.'

Who earns more money a prostitute or a drug dealer?



The prostitute obviously, she can clean the crack and re-use it....

Taking away apples

Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three, what would you have? Pupil : A fight!

Grey and yellow

What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?

An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth.

Shipwreck

Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.

Cheetahs

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs!

Orange factory

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Disappointing student

What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin?
"You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down but most of all, you let yourself down."

ET

What's ET short for?
Because he's only got little legs.

Copying in exam

Teacher: You copied from Fred's exam paper, didn't you ? Pupil: How did you know? Teacher: Fred's answer is "I don't know" and yours is "Me neither!"

How do fish get to school?

How do fish get to school? By octobus!

Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just After Eight!. They got off at Quality Street, infront of the Fishermans Friend pub. He asked her name " Polo, im the one with the hole" she said in a quiet Wispa, " im Marathon, the one with the nuts" he said, he then touched her Cream Eggs!!. They checked into a hotel, he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky Way!!!. He fondled her Flap Jacks, and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment, as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight!! Sadly, 3 days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip...... it turns out Ms Roundtree had been with Bertie Basset who had Alsorts......

Car crash

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.'