Joke of the Day

Card Name

A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"

The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."

Cowboy's New Car

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "The boy's going to start bragging about that new German car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Nah... not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ole boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!"

Sure enough, Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

Aujourd'hui, pour les quatre ans de mon fils, j'ai recruté un magicien par une petite annonce. Je vous le conseille car, en plus des tours de passe-passe, il a également su faire disparaître mon ordinateur portable. VDM

Aujourd'hui, sur Internet, je vends un sac de marque dont je signale à plusieurs reprises l'authenticité. À la fin de l'annonce, distraite, au lieu d'écrire "pour plus d'infos, me contacter", j'ai écrit "pour plus de faux, me contacter". Et j'ai validé ma vente. VDM

Aujourd'hui, j'ai reçu une lettre d'une prison polonaise. En effet, il y a trois mois, j'ai participé à un lâcher de ballons avec mon fils de cinq ans, et nous devions communiquer notre adresse. La prison polonaise et ses prisonniers "aimeraient beaucoup faire notre connaissance et discuter avec nous". VDM

Aujourd'hui, comme souvent, le téléphone sonne alors que je suis aux toilettes. Heureusement que ma petite sœur de cinq ans est là pour jouer les standardistes. C'est mignon à cet âge ! Seulement, c'est moins mignon quand ça répond : "Tu veux ma sœur ? Ah bah attends, elle a fait caca, elle s'essuie." VDM

Ah hier matin me suis emmêlée les pinceaux

No Crayons

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Steve came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Merc, I ain't got no crayons."

"Steve," Miss Merc said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Steve said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

Dependents

A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked how many dependents he had.

"Sixteen," he replied.

The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"

The man replied, "Not if I can help it."

Cutting Class

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

Diagnosis

A man walked into the doctor's office.

He had a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?", he asked.

"You're not eating properly", replied the doctor.

Digging For Worms

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm."

"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

Warm Water

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.

"Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about 15 minutes!"

Doctor's Order

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"Less? Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."

Easy Operation?

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Elephant Cage

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a police officer for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

The English Teacher

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one very busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"

Groom in jail

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Favorite Drink

The National Governors Association met in Washington D.C. on Friday at the Shoreham Hotel. The most popular drink at the hotel bar is called "Lilac Crazy" because that's what politicians do whenever they get together at these meetings.

Drunkard at the ice-rink

There's this drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice.Ttaking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole. Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There are no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.
Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there are no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.
"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."
"Who are you?" shouts the drunk guy, "Is that you, God?"
"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this ice-rink!"

Kisses in the bathroom

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled mop, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

The lying congregation

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

A lesson for bullies

A guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making bully sits down next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell you what, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I had left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my
life, you show up and drink my poison..."

Out with the outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. He and his family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse sat on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push the outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen, so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into it. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

Aujourd'hui, pour la convaincre de ne pas me larguer, j'ai dit à ma copine : "Ne me laisse pas. Ma vie, c'est de la merde sans toi !" Elle a répondu : "Je valide, mais tu l'as bien mérité" et s'est tirée. VDM

God works in mysterious ways

There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"

The flood got higher; a boat came and the driver said, "Come on mate, get in!"


"No" replied the man. "God will save me!"


The flood was now very high and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.


A helicopter soon came and the pilot offered him help.


"No, God will save me!" he said.


Eventually he died by drowning.


He got to the gates of heaven and he said to God, "Why didn't you save me?"


God replied, "For goodness' sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want?"