Joke of the Day

Death of a religious gent

Old Fred had been a religious man and was in hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher came to stand next to the bed, Old Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.


The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Old Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.



At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, the preacher realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he had been wearing when Old Fred died.



He said, "You know, Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."



He opened the note, and read out loud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Why do animals have fur coats?

Teacher : Why do animals have fur coats ?
Pupil : Because they would look silly in plastic anoraks, Sir!

Crabby waiter

"Waiter, do you serve crabs?"

"Sit down, sir. We serve anybody."

Tiger and sheep

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep ?
A stripey sweater !

The truth hurts

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.

"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you, madam, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

Stuck in the habit

A guy runs into a bar and shouts, "Quick, how tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks stunned.

"An empire penguin can be about this tall,? he says, gesturing.

"Oh no," says the guy, "I just ran over a nun!"

Appearances can be deceiving

"Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"
"It's a girl. She's my daughter."

"Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father."

"I'm not. I'm her mother."

Criminally bad joke

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

Civil servants changing lightbulb

How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?

45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

J'ai une super bonne idée pour toi ma Christounette

Un jour tu vas nous traduire en Français toutes les passage précédentes et à venir de ce poste!
Marre de rien comprendre à ce poste

Pas de problèmes

Accord écrit, je me retournerai contre toi si je n'ai pas ma traduction

Death by breakfast

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?

He was pulled under by a strong currant.

Animal confusion

A man goes into a cafe with a duck. He puts the duck on a stool and sits next to it. The waiter comes over and says: "Hey! That's the ugliest pig that I have ever seen." The man says: "It's a duck, not a pig." And the waiter says: "I was talking to the duck."

Funny fathers

A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word. "I've got a few suggestions," he says. "Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. "Very good," says his senior. "Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'" The younger priest practises these sayings, too. "Well done," says the older priest. "Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: "No way! What happened next?"

Parrot on a perch

Two parrots are sat on a perch. One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"

Biscuit capers

Two biscuits are crossing the road when one is suddenly run over.

"Crumbs!" exclaims the other.

Unlucky Cleetus

My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous, which is a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands.

Coupling

"What's a couple?" I asked my mum. She said, "Two or three". Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

Dishy butler

Did you hear about the lippy one-armed butler? He could take it, but he couldn't dish it out.

Aerial love

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Death by ice cream

Did you hear about the ice-cream man? He was found dead in his ice-cream van, covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds-and-thousands. The police said that he topped himself.

Slinky granny

My Nan had a plastic hip put in, but I thought she should have replaced it with a Slinky, in case she fell down the stairs again...

Cinderella

Why did Cinderella get dropped from the football team?
She ran away from the ball.