Joke of the Day

Heretic on a bridge

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"



He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"



He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"



Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

Vegetables

What did the relgious carrot say to the greens?


Lettuce pray.

Best yoke ever

Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table.



One of them spots a whisk and asks, "What's that?"



The other egg looks puzzled and replies, "Beats me."

Saucepan on head

"Doctor, doctor, my son has a saucepan stuck on his head. Whatever shall I do?"
"Don't worry, you can borrow one of mine. I'm going out for dinner."

Budgie show

My uncle said, 'My cat got first prize in the budgie show.'
I said, 'That's impossible. Cats don't get prizes in budgie shows.'
My uncle said, 'No, a budgie got the prize and my cat ate the budgie.'

Grey and yellow

What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?



An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth.

Taking away apples

Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three, what would you have?
Pupil : A fight!

Budgie show

My uncle said, 'My cat got first prize in the budgie show.'
I said, 'That's impossible. Cats don't get prizes in budgie shows.'
My uncle said, 'No, a budgie got the prize and my cat ate the budgie.'

Shipwreck

Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.

Cheetahs

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!

Orange factory

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?

Because he couldn't concentrate.

Disappointing student

What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin?

"You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down but most of all, you let yourself down."

Elephant music

So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears. I said, "do you recognise the tune?" He said, "I recognise the ivory".

ET

What's ET short for?

Because he's only got little legs.

Copying in exam

Teacher: You copied from Fred's exam paper, didn't you ?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred's answer is "I don't know" and yours is "Me neither!"

Aujourd'hui, mon ex et néanmoins ami sonne chez moi à 8 h du matin. Il est bourré et revient de soirée. Je lui propose de se poser dans le canapé le temps d'aller chercher de l'aspirine. Lorsque je reviens, il n'est plus dans le salon. Il est parti se coucher dans mon lit, à côté de mon copain. VDM

How do fish get to school?

How do fish get to school?
By octobus!

Car crash

So I was in my car, and I was driving
along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'




And I swerved.



And then he rang up a second time and
said 'You've been promoted again.'



And I swerved again.



He rang up a third time and said
'You're managing director.'



And I went into a tree.



And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'



And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Clowning around

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says
to the other, "Does this taste funny to
you?"

Criminal kids

The police arrested two kids yesterday. One
was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.



They charged one and let the other one
off.

Arctic cow

What do you call an arctic cow ?
An eskimoo!

Forgetfulness

Two elderly couples are having dinner and afterward, the women go into the kitchen to clean up. One man tells the other, "Me and the wife went to eat at the best place last night. I just can't remember the name." The other guy says, "Try to think of it, because I'm trying to find new places to eat." The first man says, "Well, what do you call that flower?" "Lily?" "No, the one women like?" "Carnation?" "No. The one that's red with thorns." "Oh a rose?" The first man thinks for a second and then says, "Yeah, that's right." Then he turns toward the kitchen and says, "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

St. Patrick

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."



"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."


Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"



"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."


Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakeable!"



The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"


"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Snake bite

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."