Joke of the Day

Animal Tricks

A guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender he has no money, but in exchange for a beer he'll show him a trick he'll never forget. The bartender shakes his head but goes ahead and gives the man a beer. The guy takes a rat out of one pocket and a frog out of another. The rat scurries over to the bar's piano and plays a tune. The frog belts out the song in perfect harmony with the rat are piano playing. A few minutes later another man walks over and offers the customer $100 for the frog. He instantly accepts, and gives the other mans the frog.
"Are you nuts?" the bartender asks. "That frog could be worth a fortune to you."
"Don't be so sure," the customer says. "The rat's a ventriloquist."

Tell Me a Sentence...

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: How does a man prove his ability to plan for the future?
A: By buying a case of beer.

Throw Him Out!

A man came staggering into a bar and said, "I want a drink!"
The bartender said, forget it guy, you're too drunk, just go on home.
The man refused to leave, so the bartender threw him out.
The man crawled around on the ground till he finally got on his feet and staggered around to the side door and came into the bar again.
The bartender grabbed him and threw him out again.
The man finally got on his feet again and staggered around to the back of the bar and came in the back door of the bar.
The bartender grabbed the man and threw him out again.
The man looked up from the ground at the bartender and said in a slurred voice, "tell me mister, do you work in every bar in this town or what?"

Swatting Flies

A man walked into a shop and found the clerk stalking flies with a fly swatter.
"Have you gotten any?" he asked.
The clerk replied, "Yeah. Three males and two females."
"How do you tell the difference?" the man asked curiously. "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!"

A Baby Brother or Sister

For weeks, a six-year old boy kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

The Past Participle

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

Grey Hairs

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Innocent Granddaughter

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

In the Barbershop

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was complete and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

A Little Motivation

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so in an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son...
"When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."

Climbing 75 Floors

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Little Davie

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter mummy?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

Selling Shoes to the Aborigines

Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines.
Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents. The first said,
"No business here... natives don't wear shoes." The second one said,
"Great opportunity here... natives don't wear shoes!"

You've Got Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbour, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Kids about the Ocean

1)-This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2)-Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3-If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (John age 7)

4)-Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.(Kylie, age 6)

5)-A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age

6)-My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7)-When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

-Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9)-I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10)-Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11)-When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12)-Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age

13)-On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.(Julie, age 7)

14)-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

No Ears

A guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on!"

Shark Challenge

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the joker that pushed me in!"

Heaven's Ugliest Women

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the woman and says, "Tell them."

She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

Old Fred

Old Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Old Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Old Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Old Fred died.

He said, "You know, Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!!"

A Different Approach

After giving his best sales pitch, a life insurance salesman could see that he was no closer to getting the couple to sign up for a policy.
Standing up to leave, he announced, "I really don't want to frighten you into a decision. Please sleep on it tonight, and IF you wake up in the morning, give me a call and let me know what you think."

Help Using The Machine

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Bad Luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."