Joke of the Day

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

Hotel Guest

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and calls over the head waiter. He then reads from the menu
"I'd like one under cooked egg so that it's running, and one over cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."
"That's a complicated order sir", said the bewildered waiter. "it might be quite difficult."
The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

Speeding Car

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said,
"Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?"
The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."
The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"
So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."
The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"
The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes later another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver's license and registration.
The man said, "Yes officer it's right here."
It was all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"
The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box??"
He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agreed and opened the trunk - no dead body.
The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."
The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

Ship Collision

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
"Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

ship collision en image

Thirsty Child

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..." "What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...
"Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Love At First Sight?

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful.
Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment.
She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

Plane Crash

The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.
'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'
'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.
Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'
With that, he leaps out of the plane.
Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'
'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has just taken my schoolbag...'

The Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of university,
"What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the region of £70,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Computers

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

A Not-so-clever Intern

Several years ago we had an intern who was not too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Little Old Man?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six!" he said.

The Strongest Man

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
"I am the strongest, most powerful man here," he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen and after several minutes, John had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said "All right. Get in."

Une fille de bohémien est sur le point de se marier. Sa maman dit "l'Émeraude, vous faites relise que quand youre s'est marié votre mari voudra coller à sa possession la plus prisée dans où vous la pisse ?" La fille répond "fermé à la maman, comment les enfers il allant convenable son fourgon de Transit dans le lavabo ?"

police knocked at my door saying that my dogs was chasing people on their bikes i said it can't be my dogs he said why

i said my dogs can't ride a bike

The Gas Men

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
"How about a foot race to see if your'e right," said the younger employee.
With that, they start running at full speed around the block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an eldery woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them.
The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
bad bad day, be careful


As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".

"OK", I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked...

Lost in a Hot Air Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?

"The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above this field."

?You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says "You must be in Upper Management in some business."

?I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

I'm the Boss!

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

A Bank Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him$5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

The loan officer checked the records and told him,
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.

?Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?

The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Software Engineering

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers.
However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another:

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

Computer Problems

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to
"Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you, son?
Driver: Cause you thought I had some doughnuts?