Joke of the Day

Managing Director

Two workers meet one day in the canteen at work. One says to the other, "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the company died at the weekend." The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him." "What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first. "Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's best workers', and I want to know who it was."

Magic Trick

While on holiday in Las Vegas a couple went to see a magic show. After one of the tricks the woman shouted out, "How did you do that?" The magician replied, "I could tell you, madam, but if I did then I would have to kill you." The woman thought for a few seconds and then shouted back, "Okay, then tell my husband how you did it."

Speeding Ticket

Officer: You were speeding. Man: No, I wasn't. Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket. Man: But I wasn't speeding. Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.) Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk? Officer: Yes, you would. Man: What if I just thought that you were? Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think. Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

Sayings

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat. If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

Conversation with God

A man is talking to God. The man: "God, how long is a million years?" God: "To me, it's about a minute." The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?" God: "To me it's a penny." The man: "God, may I have a penny?" God: "Wait a minute."

Finding A Wife

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Light Bulb

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

New Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

Mugging

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Clocks

What did the digital clock say to the analogue clock? "Look, no hands!"

The Saddest Story

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way." At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Bean Soup

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

School Counselor

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

Cross-Eyed Rottweiler

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Moi je l'aime pas ce poste, y a quasiment que de l'anglais *boude*

A Family Picnic

The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank up. When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking couple and six screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer up the occupants. "Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours, or is this a picnic?" Wearily, the driver replied, "Yes, they are all mine, and it's NO picnic!"

Fur Coat

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Ripe Tomato

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

Cereal Crime

Two policemen are called to the scene of a crime in a convenience store. One asks the manager what happened. He replies "There's a man over there covered in Corn Flakes and he's dead." "That's odd," said the first policeman, "didn't we have one covered in Bran Flakes yesterday? And another covered in Wheata Flakes last week?" "You're right" said the second policeman. "This must be the work of a cereal killer."

Spaghetti on the Menu

My mum and dad went into this restaurant. They said, "Waiter, have you got spaghetti on the menu?" The waiter said, "Looks like it. I'll get a cloth and wipe it off."

Panda

A giant panda went into a cafe and ordered a cheeseburger. It sat there quietly eating the cheeseburger, then it got up, took out a gun, shot the waiter, and walked outside. "Did you see that?" exclaimed a customer. "Why did he do that?" he asked the manager. The manager looked up from the book he was leafing through. "I'm looking it up in the dictionary," he replied. "It says here: "Panda - eats shoots and leaves."

Exam Results

Father: Son, what are your results in the end of term examination? Son: Underwater. Father: What do you mean, underwater? Son: Below "C" level.

Mais heuuuu ....

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