Joke of the Day

Noise At The Castle

Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise.
One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"


Keyboard Dating

What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard?
"Sorry, you're not my type."

An Inexperienced Salesman

An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the piece of land he had bought was under water.
"What kind of salesman are you?" the boss scolded. "Get out there and sell him a boat."

Sold!

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store-owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Double Your Money!

How can you double your money?
By folding it in half.

If I Was Rich, I Would...

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper.
'Alec !' yelled the teacher, 'you've done nothing. Why?'
'Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!'

Can I Borrow Some Money?

Ted said to his friend, 'Can you lend me $10?'
'But I only have $8,' his friend replied.
'That's OK', Ted said, 'you can always owe me the other $2!'

Not Guilty!

A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defence.
"They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

A Long, Repetitive Speech

Scheduled to give the keynote address at an important convention, the CEO asked one of his top employees, Schwartz, to write a punchy, twenty minute speech for him.
After the big event, the CEO returned and he was furious. "What's the idea of writing an hour long speech for me?" he bellowed. "Half the audience got up and walked out before I was finished!"
Confused, Schwartz replied, "Sir, I wrote you a twenty minute speech. I also gave you the two extra copies you requested."

Tighten Those Purse Strings!

After being away on a lengthy business trip, Rob thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the clerk at the cosmetics counter.
The clerk showed him a bottle with a price tag of $85.00.
"That's a bit much," Rob said, so the clerk showed him a bottle that cost only $50.
"That's a bit much, too," said Rob, so the clerk returned with an even smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," groaned Rob.
Growing annoyed, the clerk pulled out a tiny $15. bottle.
Still not satisfied, Rob said, "What I mean is, I'd like to see something really cheap."
Without hesitation, the clerk handed him a mirror.

Why do crickets make noise at night?

When you hear crickets chirping at night, that is the sound of males trying to attract females. A female cricket may fly over great distances as she homes in on the calling song of a male. The journey can be risky, because it exposes her to predators, but it is necessary if she is to mate and lay eggs to produce the next generation of crickets. Hungry birds and mammals are major predators on insects during the day. Many insects, including crickets, avoid these predators by hiding during the day and becoming active only at night, when birds and mammals cannot see them. That is why you hear crickets mostly after dark.

Unsettled Business

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totalling a substantial amount of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill was still outstanding. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying
"We are unable to ship your new order until payment is received for the last one." The following day, the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We are unable to wait that long."

Weasel and Stoat

What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
One is weasonably recognisable and the other is stoatally different.

Refrigerator husband

A woman went to a psychatrist and said to him, "I want to ask you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator." "Well thats nothing to worry about," said the psychiatrist. "I would say that's quite a harmless obsession." "Yes, but the thing is," said the woman, "he sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake at night."

Lion's greeting

How does a lion greet the other animals? 'Pleased to eat you!'

Pet Elephant

A: Why are you crying? B: The elephant is dead. A: Was he your pet? B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

Woodpecker

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak ? A headbanger !

Grammar Lesson

The teacher to a student: "Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present." The student: "I walk. You walk ...." The teacher interrupts him: "More quickly please." The student: "I run. You run ..."

Mad Cow Disease

Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other one says "No, it doesn't worry me: I'm a horse!"

Grammar

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

An Idiot

Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No.

Parking Tickets

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

The Smartest Man in the World

There were three passengers in a plane that was about to crash. One was the smartest man in the world, one was the President of the United States, and one was a little girl. However, there were only two parachutes. The first man, the smartest man in the world, stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes. I, being the smartest man, am one of those." With that he grabbed one and jumped out. The president looked at the little girl and said, "I've led a good long life, and you're just starting yours. You take the last parachute." And the little girl replied, "Don't worry, there is one for both of us. The smartest man in the world just took my backpack."

Woman and Baby

One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow, that is one ugly baby." The woman was deeply hurt. She continued to get on to the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked her, "What's wrong? You look mad." She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." "You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you I would take his badge number and report him." "You're right sir, I think I will report him." The elderly man said, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

Going to the Doctor

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over." The doctor asked the man to explain more. The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch it hurts." The doctor examined the man and said, "Mr Smith, your finger is broken!"

The Other Side of the River

A man was walking along a river bank when he saw a man walking along the opposite bank. He called across, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?" The other man looked confused and shouted back, "You're on the other side of the river already."