Joke of the Day

Lost Money

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

Phone Call

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

A Snake's New Glasses

An old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...I can't see very well these days".
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Camel Questions

The little camel went to his mother and asked, "Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?"
She looked on him lovingly and replied, "You see, my son, when we are walking in the desert and the wind starts to blow and there's sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don't get lost."
"Oh!" he said. "And why do we have such huge feet?"
"Well," she said, "they allow us to walk easily in the desert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes."
"Wow," he said, "great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?"
"You see," his mother informed, "we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?"
"Well, mother," said the young camel, "I was just wondering, if we've got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo?"

Half of the Business Goes to You!

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.
"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Are You Responsible?

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

A Walking Economy

This guy is walking with his friend.
He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend replies "How so?"
To which he says, "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

Graduate Position

Fresh out of business school, the young guy answered a 'wanted' advert for an accountant.
He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the graduate said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," said the graduate, "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Always Late

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

How Did You Make Your Money?

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

C'est pas Buddy qui me ferait ça, lui il ramasse et se le garde

En plus Buddy préfère les grosses pierres

Vice President of Peas?

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
?Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

Archaeologist

Why was the archaeologist upset? His job was in ruins.

A Hard Day's Work

When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them.

The Truth Comes Out

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Make Yourself Look Busy!

A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments.
Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?"
The man said, "I've come to install the phone."

Brian a écrit:

Donuts

Why did the doughnut-maker retire?
He was fed up with the hole business.

Computer Games To Suit All Ages

I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."

I Need Someone To Do My Job!

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."
Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two.

Astronauts and Computers

What is an astronaut's favourite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.

There's a Bug In My Computer!

Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat

You Have A Virus!

What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.